Preparing for baby two can be so emotional and scary for you, your partner, and big kid, even if they are not so big. I had my second when my first was 22 months old, and something I heard a lot in the 2-under-2 communities was that it feels impossible for the first 4 months, and then one day, you look around, and you realize it’s ok. Those first 4 months are about survival. I hope to share a few ways to help your family get through those first months just a little more smoothly.
Before baby arrives Preparing Your Home Plan to lower your standards. This means figuring out your lowest “acceptable level of care”. For example, it may be important that clean clothes are available, but not necessary that they always be folded; or I want to eat warm food, but paper plates work for now. I want to have nutritious food, but I can buy a veggie or fruit tray rather than cutting everything myself. By thinking ahead about this, you will be less stressed about that mountain of unfolded clothes or save yourself from cutting up a watermelon when you’re 5 days postpartum. Think about what tasks can be done ahead of time. Need to buy extra toilet paper? Stock the freezer with ready-made meals? Do you have postpartum supplies on hand? What tasks can be reassigned? Neighbor is willing to walk the dog? Partner will do dinners? Send laundry out to a service? FIT 4 MOM friends offered to bring a meal or come sweep the floor? Write down a list of basic tasks that need done that, if someone offers, you will accept them doing it imperfectly just to get it done. (Write it down because, in the moment they offer, you won’t remember any of it). Wash dishes Empty/load dishwasher Sweep/vacuum Drop off a meal Do laundry Restock the diaper station Take out trash Pick up coffee Take big kid to the park Hold baby while you shower Fill a milk cup and leave it in the fridge for when big kid needs it later Just a starter - it helps to know what will help you when someone asks how they can help. Seriously, if they offer, let them help; most of the time, they really do want to. Preparing big kid There are lots of fun books out there to prepare kids to be an older sibling and I recommend getting and reading them with your future big sibling. But I also recommend drawing a picture of baby with big kid and including the drawing in moments. Letting big kid buy baby a present. Talk to big kid about how they can (and cannot) be involved with baby. Set clear boundaries of what is not their job. My 2-year-old wanted to change diapers; obviously not ideal, but they wanted to be involved, so I let them carry the well wrapped diapers to the garbage can.
The week before baby is due, do something fun - just you and big kid. We went to the park, and I still think about how much fun we had. About a month out remove 90% of the toys from the play areas and tuck them away. This will help in a lot of ways. First, less to clean up while pregnant or newly postpartum. Second, it will allow you to find toys that big kid is great at using, but that they have lost interest in. Put these toys in an easy to grab place, separated out from each other; zip lock bag, shoeboxes, plastic bins. Having a system with easily accessible toys your child has already mastered but hasn’t seen in a while will make the first weeks of postpartum much easier. Third, there will be toys that are trash/donate. I know another baby is coming, but some toys don’t pull their weight. Feel free to remove the toys that really make things hard on you. When choosing what toys to leave out, you want open ended toys that use imagination. Duplo was a big hit for us, and toy kitchen with very few dishes and foods; less is more and easier to tidy. Something else that is right at their level - a puzzle or game they can play solo. Also, a baby doll and baby bottles; we did a toy crib too. This lets them practice with their own baby when mom is with baby. Ours was a gift to big kid from baby, which made her feel special. The Nest Identify where you will be feeding baby. No matter how you feed baby, you need a nest to be cozy in for those early days. Stock the nest with an extra-long phone charger, ChapStick, hair ties or clips, snacks - lots of snacks - for you and big kid, a magna doodle or LED pad, a few small cars, Look and Find books, and a few other books. Now you will be able to cuddle with your big kid while being snuggly with baby. Preparing yourself I remember feeling wracked with guilt that mommy was going to be half as present for big kid and that I wasn’t going to able to be as present with baby 2 as I was with baby 1. I can’t explain how many ways I was wrong; how much all of those things melt away in the day-to-day, and how much having the relationship with each other has been so much better than either of them having my non-stop full attention. What guilt makes us forget is, these little humans will have a relationship too. And your first will teach your second things faster than you thought it would happen. And second will be loved that much more on day one.
Once baby arrives you’re siblings we celebrated what we called Big Sister Day. On the way home from the hospital, we stopped at the grocery store, and we brought home a small box of cupcakes, and we celebrated big sister. Big kid is going to hear all day “Wait a minute, I’m helping baby.” This can be the beginning of sibling rivalry, but it’s easy to prevent - just say the same thing to the baby. Set the baby down and say “ok baby, I’m gonna play with big kid”. Baby starts to fuss; instead of stopping the game immediately, say “hang on baby I’m playing with big kid” and give big kid 30 more seconds. They feel that a lot. The thing I think we all worry about the most is, what do I do if they are both crying? The answer is as long as they are both safe, handle big kid first. Their tears are generally handled more easily, and they will know that their needs are being met. Also, this maybe only happens once a week. I don’t remember it happening more than a few times. Much like quicksand or stop-drop-and-roll, it was something I thought would happen constantly and, in reality, it rarely happens. You Sleep, coffee, relax, and try to find 5 minutes a few times to make a memory. When they are older you will miss them being tiny but most of this you won’t miss.
This is a hard season, but it is a short season so soak up the good moments. Remember, each recovery from birth is different. Give your body the time it needs to heal. Lastly PPD and PPA are important to watch for. If you aren’t finding any joy in this season, it might be worth talking to someone to help you through.
